These types of rejection can make you feel confused, angry, depressed, anxious, or afraid, resulting in things like low self esteem, shame, clingy behavior or not being able to let others get close to you.

But feelings and responses like these aren’t always a result of being rejected in the present. They could be related to rejection experiences you had as a child.

Early Rejection Experiences

Long before dealing with rejection as gay men, a lot of us got a bitter first taste of it as kids. Many gay men lived through unwelcoming environments in schools, churches, neighborhoods, and families while growing up.

Childhood rejection experiences can affect how we feel about ourselves today, as well as how we perceive and relate to those around us. Early experiences for me included being bullied, being socially rejected by other kids and having a dad who was distant and emotionally absent in my life.

Being Bullied

I met Susan during fourth period English class in the 7th grade. It was the first day of the school year, but also my first time meeting other kids in the town I just moved to with my mom.

Susan was enthusiastic and super interested in getting to know me. She asked all kinds of questions about where I lived before. I found out that she and my mom were both grade-school teachers. As fate would have it, her mom actually taught at the school I transferred from.

Susan and I became fast friends over the next couple of days. Since I was pretty timid, it was nice having a friend like her at my new school.

Then things got weird.

Susan became cold. She got mean, sarcastic and did things like asking to borrow pencils and then breaking them. “You’re such a fag,” she’d say, with a cruel glint in her eyes.

Despite efforts at trying to win her over, she became my personal tormenter the entire year. Her non-stop harassment and homophobic taunts continued through junior high and high school. I dreaded any kind of encounter with her because she was so vicious. It always caught me off guard and felt humiliating.

Feeling Socially Rejected

Being bullied was just the tip of the iceberg for me. Social rejection and isolation was what life was like in my teens.

I recently watched the movie, Easy A, not too long ago. It’s about a high school girl, Olive, who gets pegged as the school slut after some mean girls overhear a conversation she’s having with her best friend in the bathroom.

Olive attempts to spin things in her favor by feeding the rumor mill, but it only causes her situation to spiral more out of control, leaving her socially ostracized and friendless.

While the movie is a comedy-drama, you can’t help but feel the weight of what it’s like to be rejected, misunderstood and unseen by everyone around you, especially as a teen. The circumstances were different but the themes felt very familiar to me.

Having a Distant and Emotionally Unavailable Dad

Divorce, physical distance and remarriage made it difficult to connect with my dad growing up. The court arrangement was that he could only see me every other weekend. As a kid, I had no idea how much of a hole that left in my heart.

For example, there were so many normal things I never got to experience with my dad: seeing him when I got home from school, talking about my day, having him help me with homework, eating dinner together. It created a lot of pent-up longing for love and attention from him.

I couldn’t wait to see my dad when it was time for him to pick me up from my mom’s. Naturally, I expected every moment to make up for lost time. I mean, I had a huge dad-shaped hole that only he could fill.

He filled it for a little while. But when he remarried, it turned into a competition of fairness between my stepmother and stepsiblings. Everything had to be equal, even though the bulk of his time and attention went to his new family, making it very unequal for me.

My dad pretty much checked out of my life after he remarried. Getting him to come to school concerts, plays or anything else I was in became like pulling teeth. He could have cared less about any of my achievements.

And if I asked for anything, he complained that that’s what his child support money went to. Driving to pick me up was a hassle. He had no interest in a meaningful relationship. He even once told me he would disown me if he ever found out I was gay.

Effects of Rejection

A lot of us as gay men don’t immediately connect childhood experiences of rejection with how we react to things, like being blown off on apps, not feeling desirable to other men, or having a relationship end.

Negative Emotions

In Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrics, Lise M. Youngblade, Eric A. Storch, and John A. Nackashi discuss the nature of peers and the emotional fallout of childhood peer rejection:

“The short-term and long-term consequences of peer rejection are quite serious. In the short-term, these children often experience loneliness, low self-esteem, and social anxiety. Long-term consequences include poor academic performance, school dropout, juvenile delinquency, criminal behavior, and mental health problems…” (bolding is mine)

Bullying, social rejection, abuse, abandonment and other forms rejection don’t necessarily go away when we become adults. They manifest in workplaces, communities, relationships, religious institutions and political systems.

In “Social Acceptance and Rejection: The Sweet and the Bitter,” researchers C. Nathan DeWall and Brad J. Bushman share that negative feelings are often a package deal when it comes to rejection:

“Hurt feelings are the core emotional marker of social rejection, but rejection also increases anxiety, anger, sadness, depression, and jealousy.”

Rejection Sensitivity

Rejection and exclusion scenarios that persist over a long period of time, especially during childhood, can’t help but leave a mark. Some of us develop heightened sensitivity to being rejected. An unfortunate consequence is difficulty in establishing connections with others.

This is an area I’ve had to work hard to overcome. I often find myself having to totally disregard the internal alarms that go off whenever I attempt to get close to someone or let them in. I even have a very unconscious reflexive action of flinching or pulling away when someone makes an affectionate gesture.

Granted, no two gay men are alike when it comes to rejection trauma. But it’s easy to see how apps and dating sites could create lots of angst for men dealing with rejection issues.

Actions like ghosting, rejecting you before you reject me, not being forthcoming with personal details, and pics that are fake, headless or old make more sense when connection feels like a threat. Even being in a relationship can feel threatening due to the anticipation of rejection.

Dealing with Rejection

There’s a good chance that most of us have had our share of feeling rejected in one way or another. The good news is that it doesn’t have to ruin or control us.

The first and probably most important step is becoming aware of its influence. Not necessarily wallowing in it, but acknowledging it – especially in the moments it pokes its ugly head. And then patiently and with a lot of self-compassion, addressing it.

The tricky thing is that since rejection is often so emotionally triggering, it takes some rational thinking to get around it. Logic and emotion aren’t always the best dance partners! A practice of simply breaking down the feelings in a journal can go a long way toward getting ahold of them.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.