Generally speaking, when you were a kid, having a group was everything. It meant you belonged.

Sitting by yourself at the lunch table or alone on the playground looked weird. It meant something was wrong with you.

It’s funny how we form social systems long before maturing into “rational-thinking” adults. Belonging is a primal necessity.

We need people with whom we identify and who in turn identify with us.

It creates a sense of safety.

For many gay men, belonging is a hidden struggle.

You could outwardly present yourself as confident and social, creating the appearance that you belong because you have friends, a successful career, or a relationship, yet inwardly feel off, odd, lonely, or separate from others.

Or you could be someone who has no close friends, struggles to make ends meet, or has never been in a relationship and feel exactly the same.

Being gay is a game of survival for many men. Because we’re wired to seek out connection with other human beings, we do what it takes to fit in and gain acceptance.

Since many social systems are informed by and built on various cultural, political, and religious beliefs, the avenue to belonging through acceptance can be blocked. It can also feel threatening and dangerous to go down that road at all.

In order to cope with threats to belonging, gay men often develop a faux exterior to conceal their perceived “defect.”

On one end of the extreme, they may present themselves as hyper-masculine, eschewing any sign of softness that could be seen as weak or feminine. They could be married and completely closeted. They could project their disgust and hatred onto other gay men as a form of homophobia.

On the other end, they could puff themselves up with an air of importance in an effort to be better than everyone else in some way—in fashion, education, physique, sexual prowess, or wealth, for example.

But rather than achieving a sense of acceptance for who they are on the inside, gay men with these kinds of facades are only showing how adept they are at fitting in. And fitting in is not the same as belonging.

Whether consciously or not, the faux exterior is an effort to hide the struggle of not belonging, be it due to some kind of hidden shame, insecurity, or other sensitive area.

As time goes on, the longer the façade stays up, the more likely it is be be mistaken for being the real thing. It becomes the substitute self—a tradeoff for authenticity in exchange for acceptance—and central to the man’s identity.

Have you ever been in someone’s presence and found the energy they emitted so overwhelming that it felt like an effort, a real strain, to be around them for any length of time? It’s like keeping up with an act and playing along becomes too exhausting after a while.

This is what the fake exterior can feel like. If it’s exhausting for others, might it not be exhausting for the person trying to hold it up? Being yourself should never have to take that much effort.

So, how do you find belonging as a gay man if it’s not by trying to be acceptable enough to others?

This is something that’s taken me a long time to figure out and is still personally a work in progress.

Belonging is the fruit of internal effort: caring for yourself and developing the strength to deal with the multitude of frustrations and hardships that come your way as a gay man.

Self care may encompass things like setting good physical or emotional boundaries, taking care of your body, or practicing compassion toward yourself and others. I call it living better.

Resilience is being willing to face painful things like loneliness, rejection, or insecurity, and find ways of working through them rather running, reacting, or developing methods of coping to escape them. I call it dealing with life.

Practicing self care and developing resilience can’t help but increase the odds that you’ll become a more authentic gay man, capable of connecting with others, cultivating friendships, or maybe one day even being in a meaningful relationship. I call this belonging, or, finding your place.

Life is tough as it is and being gay only adds to the complexity. But you don’t have to be miserable.

Finding belonging as a gay man isn’t as much a formula as it is a framework of determination and resolve, what I call “gay grit.” It’s being willing to persevere courageously until you find that place of acceptance in yourself first, and then with others.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.