I know it’s not a gay thing though. The need to belong is a fundamental human drive that everyone has. That’s why some people go crazy when they feel left out.

Belonging is a survival mechanism.

Having people around you, a group, clique, whatever — it’s a form of protection.

The tough part for gay guys however is that for the most part so much is against us. We’re already different.

We’ve already got governments making laws to ban us, religious groups trying to change us and telling us we’re going to hell if we don’t, and homophobes harassing us.

This is such a tough issue for me personally. So much of my life I considered myself an outsider. Like someone who crashed a party and had an overwhelming sense that everyone in the room knew I didn’t belong.

But here’s the truth: there’s nothing wrong with you or me for wanting to belong somewhere.

Here’s another truth: like it or not, a lot of things are out of our control. We can’t force anyone to make us belong.

Even in the face of blatant rejection and exclusion, belonging is still a feeling. It’s an interpretation of a situation or circumstance we’re experiencing.

That gives me a lot of hope. Why? Because the way I feel is entirely in my control.

In his book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,“ Viktor Frankl, a Nazi concentration camp survivor, shared:

“Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determined whether you would or would not submit to those powers which threatened to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom…Even though conditions such as lack of sleep, insufficient food and various mental stresses may suggest that the inmates were bound to react in certain ways, in the final analysis it becomes clear that the sort of person the prisoner became was the result of an inner decision, and not the result of camp influences alone.” (p. 75)

It’s a tough concept to wrap your head around for sure.

Frankl’s experience and observations helped me gain clarity at times I really needed it.

I’ve felt so many different emotions when that feeling of not belonging gets poked in me:

• Anger
• Jealousy
• Sadness
• Hatred
• Loneliness
• Resentment
• Shame
• Emptiness
• Fatigue
• Resignation

Yet despite these very real feelings, I have a choice in how I will act on them.

I could go into a fit of rage the moment someone crosses the line with me. I could lean on substances to assuage the pain. I could hide myself from the world, rehearsing to myself over and over how much I don’t deserve happiness.

Belonging, acceptance, love and inclusion are all valid needs.

It’s just tremendously unfair not to have them when we want and need them.

This is where a lot of us get tripped up. We feel outraged because the unfair aspect of it is linked to a lot of really deep pain. So we’ll point fingers and expect someone out there to fix it.

Unfortunately, there is no one out there who can arbitrate the unfair behavior of people who are unkind, rude, blow off being your friend, ignore you, refuse to validate your attractiveness, won’t smile back at you or ghost you.

The only one who can do that is you.

Belonging in many ways is like air. It’s intangible and invisible. You can’t grasp it, but you can feel it when it’s hot or cold, or brushing against you as a current, or draft or gust.

You definitely know when it’s missing, too, because you literally gasp for it. And the opposite is true, as well: it’s present and available when you’re totally unaware of it.

This is how you ground yourself: knowing that belonging isn’t something that’s doled out to those who are more deserving while overlooking everyone else.

You make an inner decision not to let the negative feelings take you down as if they were the truth.

And this is one of the first steps you can take toward self-acceptance and wholeness as a gay man.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.