Understand Your Personal Context

In When the Past Is Present – Healing the Emotional Wounds That Sabotage Our Relationships, author David Richo writes:

“The enduring impression made upon us by significant relationships sets up a template that we apply to others throughout life. Our life is a theme and then variations that are never far off from the original tune.”

If you spent a long time in the closet or were teased or rejected by friends and family for being gay, the longing to belong can feel like a real ache.

Everyone comes out at different times in their life though, so there is no one-size-fits-all way to meet the need. The path to belonging is a journey of personal development.

Family Background

Your family history will influence the themes and relationships that follow you the rest of your life.

What was life like at home? Were mom and dad fun to be with, or were they always fighting?

Did your parents divorce or stay together?

Was dad around or was he physically or emotionally absent? How about mom?

Did you get along with your siblings or was there a lot of rivalry and jealousy? Were you the only child?

Did you spend a lot of time with caregivers, like babysitters or nannies?

Positive and Negative Experiences

You’re shaped by positive, negative and sometimes traumatic experiences over the course of your life.

Were you rejected or bullied as a kid? Was gym class a nightmare? Did puberty feel shameful?

Did your parents or siblings ignore you? Were you physically or sexually abused?

Were you a standout athlete carrying the burden of feeling different, yet unable to tell anyone?

Did you try dating women in an effort to fit in or please your family? Were you pressured to settle down and marry?

Were you sent to church camps or therapists to “repair” your “affliction?”

Not all experiences have to be negative to make their mark. Maybe you grew up in a loving, accepting family or in a community that welcomed you. Or maybe you married and found yourself blessed with wonderful kids of your own.

Habits, Coping Skills & Personal Demons

How are you currently dealing with life? This will often play into your ability (or inability) to move ahead in whatever you want to see happen, and the speed in which you do.

Do you tackle problems head on, or do you avoid them?

Do you feel angry or moody most of the time, or are you generally positive and upbeat?

Are you in the habit of staying up or out late most of the time?

Do you usually binge on junk food and sweets when you’re feeling stressed or are you on the couch all weekend watching Netflix?

Is making or keeping friends difficult, or does that come easy to you?

Do you feel aimless and restless, or are you typically razor-focused on what you want?

Do you talk down about yourself, or do you save that for people you don’t like?

Do you feel guilty or embarrassed, or are you pretty confident and unconcerned?

Are you constantly looping back to the same place and starting over again?

Lean Into the Journey

Taking inventory can be tough work, but it’s an important part of grounding yourself.

Your personal history, relationships, family background, past traumas, mental habits and everything else that makes up who you are will influence the way you experience the journey, as well as your sense of belongingness.

Figuring out your place in the gay world can feel like an uphill battle, especially in those initial years. Resist the temptation to compare yourself to others.

Everyone comes with their own unique set of circumstances, and depending on how long they’ve been out, they might have already paid a lot of dues by the time you’re just getting started.

Be patient with the process.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.