Guys who first come out aren’t necessarily grounded in who they are or what they’re looking for. They will spend time looking for someone with external attributes like tall, dark or furry, or who can make them feel a certain way, like loved or acknowledged.

It’s easy to disregard the warning signs when you think you’ve found the gay man of your dreams or if you think that guy is your one shot to be happy at last. But is he really boyfriend material?

He’s clingy

Some guys feel incomplete if they’re not in a relationship. They need someone they can call their boyfriend, partner or husband. And they will jump from guy to guy to get it.

Now if you’re new to things or you had a run of bad luck with men, meeting someone like this for the first time can feel pretty amazing. “They’re looking for a relationship, too!”

But does he really see you?

My therapist once described what it’s like when someone is drowning. A drowning person will grab on to anything to stay alive.

If you go into that situation without being properly anchored, they will take you down with them and you will both drown.

If you look buoyant (in our scenario, like husband/boyfriend/relationship material), they’re gonna grab on to you for dear life.

Buoyant guys are attractive in the gay world because they represent safety and stability in an otherwise threatening world.

Sadly, you’re likely just a means to an end in this “life or death” situation. They’ll latch onto you as long as you keep them “buoyed.”

He fishes for compliments

It’s crazy to think how often I’ve been duped by guys who were just baiting anyone and everyone for a compliment.

They’re the ones always posting gorgeous selfies of themselves shirtless, rippling with muscles and sporting perfectly white teeth. The description might read, “would you date someone like me?”

If they want to appear particularly “evolved,” they will add an inspirational quote or talk about how life is a struggle, yet they carry on.

They may bemoan being stood up for a date or question whether there are any good men left in the world

Now, if you’re naïve, relate to even a kernel of what they’re talking about or want to rescue them from a state of being lonely and boyfriend-less, you might just take the bait.

A friend once told me something I thought was pretty insightful:

If you have to prop him up this much now, can you imagine what it would be like having to do it in a relationship?

He’s weird about affection and intimacy

There’s something off-putting about a guy who says he wants to be with you but won’t let you get close to him physically or emotionally.

I briefly dated a guy who would literally squirm and fidget whenever I would attempt to cuddle with him in bed. It was the weirdest thing, like being with a fussy child.

Another guy was all flirty and wanting to hold my hand in public but wouldn’t sit next to me on the couch or let me kiss him.

When you consider how much trauma and abuse a lot of gay men have gone through, it’s not surprising to see that manifest in dysfunctional ways of relating intimately.

Intimacy, “into me you see,” is threatening to anyone who has ever felt betrayed, exploited, abandoned or abused. If you think he’s a catch but he’s dealing with trauma-related issues, buckle up for a bumpy ride.

He’s non-committal and wants you to chase him

This guy is all talk, no action. He loves to flirt but he’s super elusive when it comes to commitment. Even coffee’s too taxing for him.

You try to make plans but it take several days for him to get back to you.

Why would you put up with this?

For me, it always hinged on that first encounter. He looked at me or made me feel a certain way and triggered a strong emotional response in me.

Sometimes the first approach was flattering, maybe even “chivalrous” or old-fashioned.

Whatever it was, it hooked me enough to make me believe it was worth going after.

I’ve come to realize that guys who like being chased either have some kind of self-esteem problem or just don’t know what they want or they’re in an unhappy relationship already.

They’re similar to the ones who fish for compliments or have issues with intimacy. You chasing them makes them feel desirable when they struggle with feelings of worthiness.

I met a guy recently who poured on the flirts and compliments. He asked me out for a drink, but when I offered options it would be days before I heard back from him…and usually at weird hours, like 1:30am on a weekday.

Fortunately, I’ve learned to give these guys a minimum of two tries before I cut them loose.

He’s kind of fake

Due to trauma and shame, a lot of gay men have an unconscious feeling of not being enough. They don’t believe that who they are is good enough so they spend time and effort crafting personas they believe will be more acceptable, liked and loved.

In The Velvet Rage, Alan Downs describes:

“For the majority of gay men who are out of the closet, shame is no longer felt. What was once a feeling has become something deeper and more sinister in our psyches—it is a deeply and rigidly held belief in our own unworthiness for love…

“The lesson of that early, crippling shame was imprinted on our lives. If you are to be loved, you must hide the truth about yourself and work at being lovable.”

Everyone puts on a good face when they’re meeting someone for the first time. They may work hard at covering up flaws in an effort to get closer without scaring you away.

But if a guy strikes you as ingenuine over time, be cautious. Authenticity requires vulnerability and the ability to be comfortable with yourself, flaws and all.

Being around someone who has created a persona for themselves can be exhausting after a while.

Not only that, it’s hard to maintain a conversation with someone who is putting up an act unless you’re able to match that energy with a character equally as inauthentic.

Wouldn’t you rather be yourself when you’re around someone you like ?

He’s aimless and your values don’t align

It’s a sad fact that there are guys out there walking around oblivious to what’s important to them. They’re stuck living in the moment with little thought to what they’d like their future to be.

They operate out of feeling and impulse rather than planning or intention.

On the surface that might not seem like such a big deal. So what if he doesn’t know what he wants to do in life or who he wants to be?

Well first, that can get old real quick, not to mention making for a tedious, boring relationship.

A guy like that would be more than happy to have you plan his life for him. He’d love to have you take care of him, too.

Guys like that write stuff like this in their profile: “looking for someone who can make me laugh.”

Don’t you love the idea of keeping your man entertained while he sits on the couch watching movies, drinking and eating pizza?

If a guy’s got goals and things he’s working toward, it’s a good indication that may also be someone who’s put some thought into the kind of guy he’s looking for and what he wants in a relationship.

If you meet someone who aligns with your values, it’s a great thing.

Unfortunately, you’re going to run into a lot of men who don’t share your values at all. It’s good practice to do a little self-check. What’s important to you? What’s negotiable? What’s a deal breaker?

He lacks self-awareness

Some guys are totally clueless when it comes to how they come across to others. They could be loud, abrasive, opinionated, arrogant, or rude and have no idea why people don’t like them.

Years ago, I had a first and last date with a guy I met on a dating site. We arranged to meet for dinner at a nice, upscale restaurant.

When I arrived he was complaining loudly and obnoxiously to the hostess about them not having a table available. It’s never a good sign when someone is rude to waitstaff.

During dinner we somehow started talking about cooking and things I liked to make. I don’t why, but he tried to pick an argument around whether I knew how to cook based on dishes I said were my specialties but couldn’t articulate how I made them.

Don’t worry if he’s not the one

I’m going to say something that other people say that absolutely drives me crazy when I hear it: the right guy is out there.

I can’t believe that came out of my mouth

But here’s the truth — you can’t control anyone. What you can control is yourself, as well as what you will and won’t put up with.

You may actually even realize that you’ve behaved like some of the guys described. Kudos to you for having awareness.

Work on yourself, get a handle on what you want, and the odds of finding the guy who actually is boyfriend material will amazingly start improving.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.