Know yourself

What are your values, interests and beliefs? There is no need to hang out with people you have absolutely zero things in common with. You will grow frustrated and resentful over the suck on your time and energy.

If you’re upbeat and positive-minded, putting yourself around guys who are bitter, negative, gossipy or mean will drain you of the goodness you aspire to. You may even end up becoming like that yourself if you’re not careful.

It is far better to be alone than attempt to maintain friendship with guys who aren’t like you, or worse, disrespect or make fun of you for not being like them.

Consider your boundaries

One challenge to making friends in the gay community is getting signals crossed with someone.

Say you’re at a gay networking event looking to connect with people in your industry or a similar line of business. You’re making small talk with someone who seems interesting. Your interests are entirely platonic, but he has other ideas. Pretty soon you get the idea that you’re fresh meat and he’s hungry.

This actually happened to me at an LGBT business meetup I attended when I was new in town. Becoming the object of someone else’s desire when you’re only looking to make an acquaintance can be very frustrating.

Unfortunately, there are gay men who are total opportunists when it comes to things like this. For them everything is sexualized. You’ll meet them in bars, at parties and even in places like churches and business venues.

Unless you’re as interested as he is, honor your boundaries and be clear about what you’re looking for. Or simply give yourself permission to excuse yourself for the bathroom and walk away.

Be open-minded

Don’t be overly picky, especially when it comes to outside appearances. Gay guys can be super judgy, thinking the most important consideration for friendship is how handsome or put-together someone is.

Friendship of any sort should never be an extension of your vanity or ego. A man’s inner character is way more important than whether or not you believe he will make you look good or bad.

Someone once told me that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. There’s no way to tell how things will play out when you meet a potential friend for the first time. You could be friends for a brief period and then he might take a job in different city. Or you could befriend someone who introduces you to the guy end up marrying.

Over the years I’ve met and made friends in all kinds of ways. Dating sites and apps. Sports teams. Bars, street festivals and fundraisers. Commuting to work. Coffee shops. Meetup groups.

Practice meeting people

Walking into a social situation, like a party or a bar, can feel intimidating. Everything takes practice. Everything. Including meeting and making friends.

Don’t judge yourself too quickly if you find yourself wanting to turn around and leave. Practice striking up conversations. Smile, pay genuine compliments. Stick with it until you feel comfortable.

I’ve found it really helpful to set small goals to get through things like this. For example, my initial goal may be to simply show up at the venue I pick, whether it’s a coffee shop, gym, bar or party.

Another goal might be to stay for a certain length of time. Thirty minutes, an hour, two hours, etc.  

Yet another might be to just observe people and notice my own reactions and feelings. Am I scared, nervous, or excited?

Pressuring and judging yourself can be counterproductive. Giving yourself little goals that feel less threatening can actually boost your confidence and make it easier to meet people.

Be patient and forgiving of yourself and others

Without owning up and being vulnerable with one another (not being fake, not being pretentious, etc.), it’s impossible to forge and maintain a deep and meaningful friendship.

If you’re going to make friends, it’s just as important to be able to maintain them. Trust and vulnerability are stepping stones. Be your authentic self so that others who are authentic can find you.

A lot of us have had to deal with trauma, betrayal and a never-ending sense of scarcity that erodes a sense of safety and security.

Friendship is a two-way street that takes patience and forgiveness when we’ve been hurt or misunderstood.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.