Define what dating means to you

Start by defining for yourself what dating even means for you. Is it texting or video chatting? Meeting up for drinks or dinner? Sex, fooling around, or overnight stays? Is it thoughtful conversation and doing things every weekend?

I’ve found that not only does everyone has their own definition as to what it means to date someone, the definitions tend to be pretty broad and open to interpretation.

Everyone coming to the table with their own take on what dating means potentially leaves the door open to frustration, disappointment, shame, resentment and other hard feelings.

The clearer you are, the better.

Why do you want to date?

What’s your motivation for dating? Again, it will vary from guy to guy.

I got on one of the online dating sites because, being newly out, I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. I wanted to be in a relationship, and this seemed the way to find one.

Someone else might date because they’re lonely.

Or they might be fresh out of a long-term relationship and wanting to dip their toe back in the water.

A guy who was in a 10- or 20-year relationship will probably approach gay dating differently than a guy who is looking for someone to make their loneliness go away, though there could be some overlap.

What are your dating expectations?

An expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.”

Expectations are where a lot of us get tripped up.

If we set our expectations too high, we risk getting disappointed. If we lower them too much, we could accidentally mislead someone into thinking we’re not interested or don’t care enough time to invest time or effort on them.

I’d read a guy’s profile and really click with everything on it and see a lot of things in common.

Then I’d message him, positive he’d see how good of a match the two of us would be. I’d have a whole narrative going on in my head about it.

Hours, days and weeks would pass, and still no word back.

The higher the expectation, the harder the crash of disappointment for me.

But expectations go beyond simple courtesies like replying to messages. Here’s a short list of others I had or came across:

• He’s looking for a relationship.
• His profile says he’s single, so it must be true.
• He’s out of the closet.
• Dating men isn’t an issue for him. He’s comfortable with his sexuality.
• He’s really got it together.
• You only have sex after the third date.
• No one takes these dating apps seriously.

Coming into a gay dating situation with misaligned or mismatched expectations could end up ruling out a great guy, falling for a total jerk or sabotaging the start of a potential relationship.

What are you looking for in a date?

As gay men, our natural inclination leans toward anyone who is physically and sexually appealing.

So, many of us will subconsciously or fully consciously look for specific features like age, height, build (jock, twink, bear), fur/no fur, hair/no hair, masculine-presenting, etc.

But there’s more to a guy than physical traits. In fact, he could be drop-dead gorgeous and have no self-esteem whatsoever.

It’s a good idea to think about qualities that are important to you. Some examples:

• Even-tempered
• Career or business-minded
• Keeps his word/trustworthy
• Well-read and/or well-traveled
• Has a stable job vs. jumping from job to job
• A morning person or a night owl
• Has friends vs. being a loner or a drifter

Communicate what you’re looking for

It’s tempting to pretend you’re a certain of person to get a guy to like you. But how long can you keep that up? Would you really be happy?

Whenever I’m using an app or dating site, I make sure my profile is an accurate representation of the kind of guy I am.

You won’t find it full of cliches or gay tropes. Why? Because I’m not like that in person.

You, on the other hand, may be totally like that and it would suit you.

If you’re at the stage where you’re figuring things out, don’t be afraid to be honest. Most guys will respect you for it.

Unless you’re looking to hook up off the bat, questions like top, bottom or what you’re into are irrelevant if you’re only interested in dating.

The nice thing about dating is that you can do things in stages.

The first stage is a “getting know you” stage. You might meet for coffee or a drink and just chat. Nothing too heavy. You’re vetting each other out for commonality, attraction, mutual interests, etc.

In this stage you might say you’re casually dating but not serious, or testing the waters to see what’s out there, or looking for someone you might potentially want to spend more time with.

Subsequent dates allow you to delve more into what you’re looking for and give both of you the opportunity to learn about each other without resorting to things like love bombing tactics.

Gay dating is a learning experience

Whether or not you have gay dating experience shouldn’t keep you from going out there and meeting guys.

It’s unlikely that your parents or grandparents passed down their knowledge of how to date gay men or modeled proper gay dating etiquette.

Everyone is or was in the same boat.

It comes down to practice and putting yourself out there to learn what you need to learn.

Pick a venue for meeting guys — gym, coffee shop, social media, app, etc. — then set a goal to introduce yourself, initiate a chat, pay a compliment, whatever.

When you’re ready, invite them out for coffee, a drink, a Zoom meet & greet, or a bite to eat.

Note what you like and don’t like about the date or the guy, and see what you can improve or look for on the next one.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.