Looking for Connection

Whether it’s a fake holiday or not, Valentine’s is right up there with the likes of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years for its ability to really tug at our emotional heartstrings.

The one thing all these holidays have in common is this ability to trigger our need for human connection. Where will you go for Thanksgiving? Who is on your Christmas list? Who will you spend New Year’s Eve with? And, do you have a Valentine’s date?

I once had a first date with a guy on Valentine’s (not recommended). To say he was a tool would be an understatement.

I arrived at the restaurant to witness him acting belligerently with the hostess. He complained that the restaurant didn’t get back to him when he left a voice mail for them the same day (kind of a busy day for the restaurant industry… pre-pandemic, of course).

He was also super rude with the waitstaff. And he tried to get into it with me over whether I knew how to cook or not. Odd, considering I never made anything for him.

Making Up the Story

The date was also memorable because there was a gay couple seated next to us who were really into the sprit of the evening. They sprinkled some heart confetti on our table as a token of their appreciation to be celebrating such a special night.

That couple had no idea it was a first date or that I’d just met the guy, who really was an ass.

Besides Valentine’s being a made-up holiday, it’s also one that’s easy to fool people into thinking the other guy has it better.

Gay men will go to great strides to keep up appearances sometimes. Which reminds me of something I heard the other day about the mind’s tendency to fill in the story, even without all the actual details.

You may be seeing this great couple who have been together forever but the reality may be that they had a terrible fight an hour before and are on the verge of breaking up.

Valentine’s is one of those days we make up stories to feed whatever state we’re in. The gay couple at the next table had stars in their eyes and were gushing over anything that looked romantic.

Someone else in the room might have had a totally different perception based on their mood. They might be feeling unlovable and like a total loser for not having anyone to take them on a romantic date.

Loving Yourself More

Although I tend to be more of the romantic type, I’ve learned to control my own narrative a little better over the years.

If I’m feeling blue for any reason, I avoid scrolling through social media to prevent a flareup of insecurity.

I will also usually avoid walking by restaurants. That’s not terribly hard to do these days, of course. Cold, crappy weather (it’s February after all) is also nice buffer.

The bigger takeaway is learning to control your self talk and treat yourself better on days like this. Finding ways to love yourself is one of the best ways to turn the tables on the holiday, because who says Valentine’s has to be about romance at all?

Treat yourself to a little pampering. Sleep in. Splurge on takeout. Binge your favorite shows, movies or sports. Take selfies with your pet. Get a massage. Stay in pajamas all day or dress it up. I’ve seen guys even send themselves flowers. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you’re good to yourself.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.