It Depends

Gay men go through a lot of stages. We’re all on a continuum of learning, figuring things out and discovering what we value.

Depending on where you fall, jumping into sex is the absolute right thing to do. Or the right thing at the wrong time. Or the right thing, but just not right now.

I’ve gone through a lot of stages. They evolved as I matured as a gay man and also as I aged.

My first sexual experience was kind of a throwaway. I had zero experience. I wasn’t out, but I was desperate to be with a guy.

I hooked up with someone at business conference that I knew was gay. I got him drinking so I could manipulate him into fooling around with me. Looking back, that was kind of gross and sleazy of me.

When we got to his hotel room he passed out on me because he was too drunk.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with jumping into sex. There’s a time where you just need to explore and figure things out, and one of the fastest ways is through sexual encounters.

Of course, there’s exploring and there’s being reckless. I wouldn’t recommend the latter. Be judicious about who you hook up with.

It’s hard to develop that sixth sense sometimes, so I get it. And mistakes happen when you don’t know what you’re doing.

While it may be tempting, drugs and alcohol can can seriously impair good judgement.

Chat with the other guy as long as you need before you agree to anything. Don’t let them pressure you. If they’re impatient move on. Go at your pace, not theirs.

There’s usually an emotional cost (no matter what you think)

Sex is intimate and when the desire for connection, acceptance and belonging come into play, it’s easy to confuse that with the feeling of being loved. And so many of us are starved for love.

When sex is readily available, it’s like putting a plate of junk food in front of you when what you really need is a healthy meal. I don’t know about you, but when I’m really hungry, the last thing I want is chicken and broccoli. I want whatever’s going to take care of that hunger fastest.

All those feel-good chemicals trick you into thinking you’re being loved. But what happens when the feeling fades? The hunger returns.

After being insistent the only way to find a guy was through traditional dating methods like online dating, I decided to throw my standards out the window and just focus on having fun.

I set up profiles on Scruff and Grindr and started chatting away. Surprisingly I had great success with the former while it was a total echo chamber on the latter.

I used these apps years before and was miserable. The difference this time around was that I had zero emotional investment in the experience. No rules. No expectations.

The vampires depicted in the television series, The Vampire Diaries, have this thing they called the “humanity switch.”

Vampires, with their heightened senses and abilities, experience everything in extremes, including emotions like guilt and remorse over their blood-draining ways.

If things ever got to the point where they felt too intense or they just wanted to forget what it felt like to be human, they would just turn off this humanity switch. No more guilt. No more remorse.

For a few months I felt like I’d turned off my own version of a humanity switch. No rules. No expectations. It was fun and freeing. I wasn’t offended by guys who hit me up for sex the way I’d previously felt when I had an expectation you had to get to know someone first and date them.

My confidence soared as I stopped taking things personally.

Then I met a guy that triggered a deeper desire to be with someone long-term. He re-awakened my longing for love and connection.

Pretty soon I found myself feeling aggravated by men I was meeting. I started blocking guys that offended me or that I thought were jerks. I began taking things personally again. Rules and expectations returned.

In the show, this is how a vampire’s humanity switch got turned back on: a painful recollection, a sad memory, a love lost. And all those shut down feelings come flooding back and they feel again.

Meeting guys for sex wasn’t fun for me after that point and I eventually deleted my profile and abandoned the app.

Don’t be surprised if your expectations don’t align

A year or two after I was off the apps and going through a period of inactivity, I met a guy I was totally into. If I had a type, it would have been him. One hundred percent.

We met through friends and went on a few dates. He’d have me over to watch a movie and then he would be like, “let’s go to bed,” in a couple-sounding way, though we barely knew each other at that point.

He was ready for sex, but I unfortunately wasn’t. I was out of practice and feeling insecure about it.

I was also conflicted because I kind of wanted to date more and get to know him. When you like someone like that you don’t want to blow it.

The level of intimacy that he was expecting wasn’t where I was at. It felt like he was playing the role of a pseudo boyfriend.

I had no idea where he was coming from because we’d met organically and not on an app or dating site. All I had to go with was what I learned on our quasi-dates.

It was confusing. It was like going on dates and acting like a couple to hook up. Why not just hook up?

He totally caught me off guard the morning of our last time together. He tried to make it seem like I only got what I wanted sexually and not him, and that I should have asked.

It was a weird passive-aggressive move from someone I barely knew, who called all the shots and never asked anything about what I wanted either.

I remember feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment afterward. I felt chastised.

When I was on my hookup spree, I knew the parameters. Expectations were often aligned and mutual.

But with this guy I felt like I was constantly trying to read the room and guess what he wanted, which was awkward because, again, it was through a very flimsy guise of dating.

And I also sensed an undertow of anger with him. Looking back, it would have been better to clear the air beforehand as to what we expected from one another and what this “relationship” was to us. It was unnecessarily complicated and created hard feelings.

You might be trading short-term thrills for long-term fulfillment

If casual sex encounters become more the rule than the exception, you could be trading something ultimately more fulfilling than a constant string of one-offs.

Have you ever gone out to eat and totally binged on bread and appetizers before the main entrée arrives? It kind of kills the appetite sometimes.

Constantly jumping into sex could leave you in a state where you’re feeling full but never quite satisfied.

If you’re good with the gnawing need for connection but don’t want to commit to the long-term process of getting to know someone, rock on.

Having everything be about sex can eventually become tedious and boring or leave you unable to relate to anyone who isn’t the next “fix” for you.

Do some soul searching about what you want

There are pros and cons when it comes to jumping into sex off the bat. It will be different for everyone.

Sometimes the standards we hold for ourselves are nothing more than those of our family, the dictates of religion, the media, cultural stereotypes, friends and even the gay community itself.

It comes down to figuring out what you want and not spending a ton of time overthinking it. There’s nothing wrong with changing course if you determine it’s not for you.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.