Sometimes the holiday season is anything but joyful. For many of us, it can come with mixed emotions and a feeling that something’s missing.

It’s a time of year that can be especially triggering if you’re gay, magnifying everything from memories of dashed hopes and unresolved feelings from the past to comparisons in the present and expectations for the future.

Ghosts of Holidays Past

I can’t help but wonder if I’m the only one who’s ever felt a level of disdain for the holidays.

Afterall, people seem pretty happy.

Not much complaining in the newsfeed. Lots of smiles. Everyone’s at a party.

No big media exposés about people canceling Santa or striking at the North Pole.

Nothing to see here. Move along.

Wait a second. Back up.

There has to be something.

And after a bit of reflection, I determined the holidays on the calendar and in the Amazon checkout cart have nothing to do with the holidays going on in my head.

And after some consideration, I realized a lot of the disdain came from childhood (duh!).

My parents divorced when I was around seven. My dad remarried a year or two later, and with that came a stepmom and stepsiblings.

I remember Christmastime being really magical before the divorce. Then it all got complicated.

The holidays were like tug of war, starting with Thanksgiving and ending on Christmas Day.

Mom wouldn’t let me go with dad. Dad always asked why I wouldn’t spend the holiday with him.

Plus, my grandparents didn’t really care for my dad. It was always just awkward.

That drama lived on not only throughout my childhood, but even into my adult years.

I felt burdened to please my mom. And that’s a lot of pressure for anyone, kid or adult.

But I realized many years and many therapy sessions later, that she had a hole to fill.

She needed me to fill the void of something missing. Something, that if I wasn’t at the holiday table with her, would take the meaning of that special day away.

Meaning is everything.

While my story is different from yours, I can’t help but wonder if there’s at least one thing we all share in common: dealing with the hole of something missing.

Comparison: The Ghost of ‘Tis the Season of ‘Why Not Me?’

Times are hard. The economy’s been tough.

Keeping up takes triple the amount of effort if you’re trying to make ends meet.

Maybe you lost your job or you have a small business that’s hanging by a thread.

You’re afraid and a little down.

So, you pop on social media for a little diversion, and what are you are bombarded with?

JOY and HAPPINESS!!!

Holiday cookies. Ugly Christmas sweater parties. Cozy couples in cute matching pajamas. And big, fat holiday engagements.

And you’re over here in your corner wondering WHY you don’t have anything going on.  

Why aren’t you that happy? Why don’t you have parties to attend or someone to bake cookies with?

You don’t even know how to make cookie dough!!

You feel the hole. “What’s wrong with me?”

That’s a lot of pressure.

You could (and maybe even do) laugh it off and downplay it.

But you also might feel a degree of resentment. “Give me what’s mine!”

Breathe.

Appearances are deceptive. Haven’t you heard the grass is always greener in all that snow over there?? Ha!

What Do You Do When You Feel Like You’re Missing Out During the Holidays?

Sometimes drastic measures are called for. Cut that social feed STAT!!

This is the time to 1,000% love on yourself.

But how?

Well, if you’re a terrible baker, try a scented candle and pretend that cinnamon aroma (cinnaroma!!) is coming from your own oven.

(btw, candles themselves are awfully soothing)

I, myself, took up watching holiday baking shows. Live vicariously!!

But if you’re feeling especially feisty, watch Halloween classics instead!

I actually know someone who intentionally watches horror movies this time of year. Whatever works!

The point is, unplug from whatever you’re comparing yourself against and do something really great for you.

Loss: The Ghost of Holidays That Could’ve Been

The holidays can really jostle your memory bank.

One moment you’re looking back on all the nostalgia of what was. The next, you’re haunted by all the things that could have been.

Heck, you might even find yourself transported into the future, thinking, “OMG, I’m going to be alone FOREVER.”

Loss—whether it’s a loved one, a relationship, or even just the idea of how things “should” have been—can leave a massive hole in your heart.

I think about the story of Scrooge. He wasn’t just grumpy; he was burdened by regret, resentment, and grief.

But I can’t help but wonder if underlying all of it was loss.

You can be so wound up by the feeling of loss that you can’t see all the goodness in the present.

What To Do When You Feel the Pain of Loss During the Holidays

It’s not easy moving on from loss. It can, however, be utterly transformative.

It’s not about burying things through denial and pretending. It’s about allowing space to work through the pain of it and assign it a new meaning.

No one promises an easy, happy, or fulfilling life, HOWEVER, interpretation of events and circumstances lays solidly in your corner.

Loss can be hard to face. It usually takes time to work through, but it’s most often worth it in the end.

Could you gently coax yourself to look at things from a fresh pair of eyes?

Loneliness: The Ghost of Silent Nights and Minus Plus-Ones

I have a love/hate relationship with putting up my Christmas tree.

Some years I did. Some years I didn’t. Keeping my home undecorated ensured I wouldn’t be reminded of one thing: loneliness.

One time, I decided to get a new tree. The box sat in my kitchen for a couple of months because I knew if I put it in storage I’d probably never pull it out.

So, up it went.

Did I sing Deck the Halls while decking my home? Noooooo.

I cried. I think I even sobbed at points.

The ache of loneliness while putting that damn thing up totally flooded me.

But I knew when it was done (and it was a three-day effort) I would feel better.

The hole of loneliness would close up just a little bit more. The warm glow of the pretty lights would calm me.

No one was coming over. It was just for me.

What To Do When You Feel the Weight of Holiday Loneliness

I think, when you’re dealing with loneliness, you have to be especially good with yourself.

You have to do things just for you. Because you matter.

Why? Because you really are good enough AND important enough to do something for.

No explanation, apology, or long-winded rationalization needed.

When you’re looking at the world and everyone but you seems nicely snuggled together, you need to snuggle even closer to yourself.

This is something that takes a lot of practice, especially when everything in you is screaming, “I’M LONELY!!!!”

Tell everything inside you to give it a rest—if only just 5 or 10 minutes!

Loneliness is an interpretation of what’s going on with you.

Because it’s something you’re assigning meaning to (“I’m not good enough,” for example), turning the tables on it by doing something for yourself is a small way to reframe that interpretation (or at least get your mind off it).

Send the Ghosts of Comparison, Loss, and Loneliness On Their Way

The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. If something feels missing for you, find ways to replace it with something better.

• Give Yourself Boundaries: It’s okay to say no to parties, people, or newsfeeds.

• Create New Traditions: No one says you have to stick with what you grew up with. Do something that reflects who you are today.

• Focus on Little Steps and Small Wins: Light a candle, watch a comforting show, or treat yourself to a holiday goodie you don’t have to bake.

• Reach Out: If you’re struggling, let someone know. Whether it’s a friend, therapist, or community group.

Whatever the holidays mean to you—joyous, heavy, or a total mixed bag—it’s okay to feel what you feel.

What’s one thing you can do for you? Showing up for you is one of the best gifts you could ever give yourself.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.