I read a little tidbit from Zendaya in a recent Vogue article:

“I think sometimes people assume that because of what they see of me, maybe I’m a certain way. But when I’m not working, I tend to isolate myself. My therapist, family, and friends will tell me, ‘You need to get up and get out,’ and I never want to—but when I make myself do it, I realize it’s actually kind of nice. I’m less anxious. I have to really be intentional about taking care of myself.”

Zendaya

I can really relate to her remarks. There’s something about anxiety that can be so paralyzing. Sometimes completely isolating myself is the only way to shut out all the other things that trigger me.

What she said about making herself get up and get out is so true. I’ve found that pushing myself outward even just a teensy bit can go a long way toward making me feel a little less anxious.

Self-Consciousness and Gay Anxiety

I’m not sure when anxiety became a thing for me, but I can point to childhood and make some guesses.

Big kids in the neighborhood scared me. That’s probably pretty standard for a lot of us.

But there was something about people in general that kind of made me feel really timid. Like I was super self-aware of myself around them. Self-conscious, I guess.

One time in 1st grade the teacher had me get up in the front of the class and do some kind of math problem. Obviously at 1st grade It wouldn’t be much of a “math problem” but I remember not being able to do it and the other kids laughing about it. Or at least that’s my childhood perception.

I could be completely off about that memory, but it is something I remember and for whatever reason it made me dislike and feel self-conscious about math ever since.

Feeling exposed, pointed out, laughed at—these became real everyday fears for me as I entered my teen years in 7th grade.

That was hell for me. The kids were mean and constantly made me feel raw and exposed and ashamed. All I wanted to do was hide most of the time.

So, I’m thinking this whole issue probably has a lot of roots in feeling singled out and embarrassed in some way as a child or teen.

Gay Anxiety After Coming Out

I carried shame and self-consciousness with me into adulthood.

For over two decades I tried not being gay, using religion as a buffer between what I felt inside and perceived judgment I felt from the outside world.

I linked the trauma of being singled out and bullied as a teen with any kind of look I got from a guy—friend, acquaintance, or stranger. I had severe anxiety over been seen or noticed in anyway, even if it was totally benign and curiosity-based.

To me, it felt like a fear of being discovered.

After coming out, I noticed the fear stayed with me. Likely looks of desire were interpreted as some kind of threat: I was being laughed at, judged, or rejected in some way.

Feeling under the microscope this way impaired my ability to meet men or feel comfortable with them. Sure, I might achieve some semblance of it in the short-term, but the longer the relationship stretched out, the more anxious I felt.

Managing Gay Anxiety

So, how do you manage gay anxiety? Cue that Zendaya quote…

Less Isolation, More Connection

I’ve found the more I stay in my “cave,” the longer certain anxious episodes stick around.

While staying away from people can quiet some anxiety (like feeling examined or judged, and that includes social media!), it’s really only going to be temporary at best.

You don’t have to force yourself to go to a bar or social event. You can go for a walk and enjoy nature. I’d argue that animals and nature are great sources of connection, too!

Establish a Support Network

Finding a good support network may be challenging, but it isn’t impossible.

When I initially came out, I knew no one in the community. I used a combination of Facebook, online dating, Meetup groups, supportive family members, and even high school acquaintances to build my network.

It was hodge-podge for sure, but it worked. This went a long way toward keeping myself from being too isolated. And while social media itself can be limiting, you can always use it as a starting point.

Gay-friendly churches and organizations are another way to build connections. They don’t necessarily have to be gay-specific groups, but they can still be good avenues for social activities to help keep your mind off things while doing stuff you find fun.

Therapists, counselors, and other emotional health professionals count, too. Having someone to talk to on a more regular basis can be a tremendous relief.

Be Intentional About Taking Care of Yourself

Sometimes you just have to get up and out.

This kind of flies in the face of what anxiety tells you to do, which is to stay put, circle the wagons, ruminate, and dread anything and everything.

Allowing yourself to connect (with others or with nature) is intention-based by default. Establishing a support network is the same.

Other forms of self-care include journaling, reading inspirational literature, exercise, getting a massage, and even showering, bathing, or making your bed.

Anything positive you do for yourself or say to yourself is a way of caring for yourself.

Anxiety is based in fear, and anytime you intentionally love on yourself can’t help but soothe and calm things down, even if for a moment.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.