What Is Gay Loneliness?

Rita Ora sings, “Will no one ever show me how to be lonely? End up on my own almost every night… I must be the only…”

When you’re dealing with gay loneliness, it’s hard to imagine anyone understanding or relating to what you’re going through. In that respect, it’s different for everyone.

Loneliness is Subjective

Although researchers struggle to define what loneliness is, many think it corresponds to to the perceptions and evaluations we make regarding relationships (or lack thereof).

The late Dr. John Cacioppo, former Director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, studied the effects of loneliness throughout his career.

Dr. Cacioppo believed that loneliness could be defined as “perceived social isolation” and that it is a genetic mechanism designed to protect us from threats to our survival. Without feelings of loneliness, we might not seek out the safety of companionship or community.

Loneliness Can Be Temporary or Chronic

Feelings of loneliness can be temporary when they’re the result of an incident or life event. For example, coming out can be isolating depending on where you live or whether you know anyone else who is gay. Once you establish connections and support, the feelings may diminish.

Loneliness can also be chronic. For example, you could be the only gay man in a small town you grew up in. Fears of being outed might keep you from developing meaningful connections with others and keep you in a perpetual state of loneliness.

Loneliness as an Emotional Trigger

If it’s true that we’re wired to seek out connection with others, then loneliness itself might be considered kind of like an emotional trigger. When our stomach growls, it’s a signal to get something to eat. When we’re feeling lonely, it’s time to seek company.

But because finding companionship is many times easier said than done, dealing with being gay and lonely can be frustrating.

When there’s a significant gap between where you are and where you want to be, it can make you feel angry, jealous, sad, or, ashamed.

Shame for many gay men is one of the biggest deterrents to seeking genuine companionship. It creates a vicious cycle that’s hard to break out of.

First, to admit need of any sort is already difficult for men in general. Being gay and seeking the company of other men, whether for friendship, camaraderie or intimacy, triggers this extra layer of “not being enough.”

Men also tend to have a competitive nature, which can sometimes create this need to “one up” others. Being the best or having the best is an effective way to conceal shame by proving you’re good enough. But it can also be off-putting.

If you recognize loneliness as a trigger reminding you that you’re in need of companionship, then being gay and lonely isn’t something to feel bad about. It’s really just a signal – a gas gauge telling us you that you need a fill-up. You know what to do: head to the “gas station” and fuel up.

Gay Loneliness versus Being Gay and Alone

While many of us deal with gay loneliness, it’s important to realize that feeling lonely is different from being alone.

I used to eat out a lot on my own. I didn’t think anything of it, especially if it was a beautiful, warm day and there was outdoor seating.

I’ll never forget the time I was enjoying lunch and cocktails on my own and someone who knew me walked by and asked if I was really eating by myself. I thought it was strange and funny.

I think that was the first time I realized that some people felt uncomfortable dining or doing things alone that were more ideally suited for friends, groups or couples.

But why should not having a boyfriend or a group to accompany me stop me from eating out or going to a movie by myself?

Being alone isn’t a bad thing. It’s not an indictment against you or that anything is wrong with you. You can be alone and still be content.

What’s interesting is that once I was aware someone out there had an opinion that eating alone was a strange thing, I felt the pressure to be with someone. I ate out less on my own.

As time went on, I became increasingly cognizant of my “aloneness” and subsequently felt more lonely when I saw people dining out in groups and I had no one. I had a perception that caused me to interpret, or evaluate, the situation differently.

During the pandemic, long periods in lockdown, social distancing, and venues like bars and restaurants being closed or restricted forced many gay men to come to terms with being alone.

Types of Gay Loneliness

Loneliness can be multi-faceted.

Emotional Loneliness

If you ever lost someone close, you may have experienced the feeling of emotional loneliness.

The loss of a pet or loved one, a breakup, or the ending of a friendship can leave you feeling severely lonely. It may feel like a void or total emptiness that you don’t know what to do with.

Losing something or someone you had a strong emotional attachment to can be very difficult. For example, losing a friendship or feeling abandoned by a church or spiritual circle due to conflicting beliefs related to being gay.

Social Loneliness

Not feeling part of a group or community could create feelings of social loneliness.

It’s a sad reality that gay men are often categorized into types that either directly or indirectly promote exclusion:

• Married or partnered
• Bears or otters
• Jocks or athletic
• Daddies
• Twinks
• Fetish (leather, suits, etc.)
• Race or ethnicity (Black, Brown, White, Asian, etc.)
• Economic or professional class and/or education
• Older or younger
• Whether or not you’re out and for how long

Even in a primarily straight or conservative-leaning community you could still feel isolated and left out.

Existential Loneliness

Existential loneliness is something that’s probably touched almost every gay man’s life in one way or another.

It’s more of a spiritual or philosophical kind of loneliness. It’s a feeling of being disconnected from the world, universe, or reality—a profound sense of not belonging by not being a part. You feel odd and almost out of your body because everything outside you feels so unreal.

Strategies for Dealing with Gay Loneliness

If you’re starting from scratch in terms of finding friends, it can take time to fill that void.

There are many guys who fall into the trap of thinking a string of sexual encounters with solve their loneliness. Sure it helps temporarily, and sometimes you can actually find someone you genuinely connect with. But hooking up is usually not a very sustainable long-term strategy.

Journal

Consider writing about your experiences in a journal, especially if they trigger frustration or disappointment initially. Use it as a way to problem solve, but of course vent if you need to.

Join a Group or Volunteer

• Find a group to join either online or offline. Engage in discussions, but don’t be a lurker or use people or platforms to complain about your problems.
• Steer away from negativity and be your authentic self vs. someone angling for more likes. Be a giver rather than a constant taker. Likes are great, but they are better in moderation.
• When it makes sense, invite someone you like or have mutual things in common for a virtual chat. If you live nearby, you can always meet outside for a walk, a bite to eat, or drinks.

Reframe Your Experience

Create a metaphor to better understand and work through your loneliness feelings. For example, finding good gay companionship is like starting a garden.

A good gardener usually starts with a plan, like what you want the garden to look like, and whether you want flowers, herbs or vegetables. Then you either plant the seeds or buy grown plants from a garden center.

After that, you tend the garden. You water, you weed, you keep the pests away. Then garden grows and flourishes. Whether it’s community or companionship, your garden becomes a place to go to when loneliness knocks on your door.

Talk with a Professional

Mental health professionals such as licensed counselors and therapists can be a powerful way to sort out feelings and figure out steps to deal with loneliness, especially if it becomes overwhelming.

Conclusion & Takeaways

Gay loneliness is a poignant issue for many. Recognizing it as an emotional trigger signaling a need for human companionship, rather than a sign of weakness or a point of shame, is beneficial to understanding it.

Likewise, just as being alone doesn’t equate to loneliness, neither does feeling lonely your worth as a gay man is diminished. It’s a reminder of everyone’s capacity for love, connection, and belonging.

Not only can strategies such as journaling, joining groups, or engaging in therapy help alleviate the affects of loneliness, they can also become effective stepping stones toward building a life rich in meaningful connections.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.