We’re all in search of something.

When I was a little boy, the holidays became a tug-of-war between my parents after their divorce.

Every major holiday was spent with my mom and her family. And every year my dad made it seem like I had a choice because he’d always ask why I wasn’t spending it with him instead.

As a result, the holidays became something I associated with guilt, shame, regret and longing that I carried into adulthood.

Meaning is self-defined

I recently watched a talk how to find meaning, purpose and fulfillment in life by Brendon Burchard, a personal development author and speaker.

Something I found interesting was that a lot of the things we attach meaning to have their roots in early childhood interpretations of events we experienced.

For example, if our parents berated us for a bad report card, we might interpret that to mean that we too were bad.

Many gay men have had to deal with all kinds of traumatic and difficult situations growing up. Abuse. Ridicule. Rejection.

An eight-year-old boy doesn’t really have the capacity to separate the bad things happening to him as not being due to something he did or didn’t do.

He builds a library of interpretations in his mind that point to him as the reason.

What happens when we attach negative meanings to things

When we attach negative meanings to things that happen to us as children without going back to update our interpretations, it’s easy to globally apply those same child-like interpretations as adults.

• A guy breaks up with you and you tell yourself you’re not lovable.
• A close friend passes away and you tell yourself life makes no sense.
• You’re laid off of a job and you tell yourself you have no worth.

Continuing through life making these kinds of sweeping judgements about yourself and events around you eventually colors everything, making it difficult to see things clearly or rationally.

Let’s go back to my holiday example.

After years of feeling torn between allegiance to my mom and guilt over not being with my dad for the holidays, I developed some deep-seated interpretations:

• I don’t deserve happiness during the holidays.
• Only “normal” people get to be joyful.
• It’s better to be alone.

Address your unconscious “settings”

I didn’t consciously tell myself these things. They were kind of on autopilot in my subconscious.

I was running on “factory settings” versus allowing new information to update the things I came to believe as a kid.

I think a lot of us run our lives on these kinds of old “software settings.” But when present-day situations trigger painful memories of the past, it’s also an opportunity to update the old programming.

Easier said than done, of course. It starts with coming present and developing awareness.

For example, you may notice that you find yourself feeling, acting or even talking to yourself differently after an event or circumstance occurs.

For me, I noticed I started shutting down the moment I saw the first holiday lights in the neighborhood or heard holiday songs playing.

So, pay attention to the things that set you off. Capture them in a journal. But more than that, capture what you find yourself saying or believing about the situation.

Then, question it.

Do you really believe that today? Does that make sense for who you are as an adult?

If not, it’s time to consciously re-write the script — which may feel very unnatural at first.

You might simply start with writing down the complete opposite of what you think believe or feel about yourself or the situation.

For example, “I deserve to feel happy and joyful during the holidays.”

I’m using the holidays, but it could be anything. Whatever it is for you, make it a daily practice.

Gradually, over time, the old interpretations will find themselves replaced with new ones.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.