Shame, constant judgment, never fitting in—you didn’t sign up for this, did you?

Being gay can feel like you’re being put into unpleasant situations all the time.

Like being forced to stand in front of the class to do a math problem when you don’t even understand math.

(Unless, of course, you love shame, being judged, or never fitting in. And you excel at math…)

The older I’ve gotten and the longer I’ve been out, the more I realize how tiresome it can be. I mean, over time, it really wears you down.

You don’t notice it at first because the initial euphoria of being out is so fun, exciting, and new.

But then reality sets in.

And boy, is it ever disappointing.

The Trap of Temporary Fixes

For a while, “self-medication” does the trick.

I, for one, loved staying out all night and overindulging in bottomless mimosas and bloodies the next day.

Even scrolling apps for potential dates made my lonely feelings and “not-enoughness” go away (temporarily).

But these are just band-aids for the negative realities gay men live with all the time. They aren’t long-lasting. They demand constant upkeep.

All to fill the void of emptiness and despair with junk that never really satisfies.

Like eating popcorn or candy all the time, morning, noon, and night. It makes you feel kind of full and satisfied, but mostly gross (but still wanting more).

“More” itself ultimately means something deeper and more substantial.

Gay Self-Care is Tough, But Necessary

Taking care of yourself doesn’t come naturally, though, does it?

Ask anyone trying to establish an exercise routine or plan out a healthy meal at home instead of grabbing chips or take-out.

Addressing poor mental habits? Even harder. And just forget about meditation!

In my experience, the hard things are the best things for you.

But I know what you’re thinking. What does any of this have to do with being gay?

Let’s take a look.

Gay Stress Is a Big Issue

Stress isn’t just a bunch of thoughts and feelings swirling around in your head. It can mess with your body, your relationships, and your sense of self.

And for gay men, stress often starts early and builds over time.

A few baddies that top my list are:

1. Dealing with Everyone-in-the-World’s Opinions

Being gay often means carrying an extra layer of judgment, and it follows you everywhere.

Whether it’s casual-but-backhanded comments, religious groups condemning or complaining about you, or laws designed to diminish you, the message is clear: step in line or get cast out.

2. The Pain of Constant Rejection

Rejection hurts, and it’s usually either from those closest to us or groups and organizations that represent belonging.

Families, cultural communities, and religious institutions have their way of letting you know you don’t belong.

And let’s not forget the gay community itself. If you’re not conventionally masculine, ultra-fit, or living a curated Instagram life, it’s easy to feel like you’re on the outside looking in.

3. A Relentless Internal Battle

It’s tough enough dealing with external judgment, but self-loathing internalized homophobia is like carrying a bully around with you everywhere.

The struggle only multiplies if you’re navigating additional layers of identity—like race, religion, or disability.

Why Gay Self-Care is Non-Negotiable

Stress is like an invasive predator. It creeps in, spreads, and takes over every part of your life.

• The partner who ignores you.
• Family members who disapprove of you.
• Social media jabs that infuriate you.
• Jobs and promotions you’re passed over for.
• Slights you ruminate over.
• First dates who end up ghosting you.

Left unchecked, the weight of it all can take an increasingly heavy toll, showing up in ways you can’t ignore:

• Spiraling Loneliness: Shame and fear make it hard to connect, eventually isolating you.

• Destructive Coping: Alcohol, substances, endless hookups, shopping binges and other forms of numbing leave even bigger holes in the aftermath.

• Physical Fallout: Ignoring the signs of stress can eventually disrupt things like sleep, energy, and overall well-being; your body’s way of waving the red flag.

Building Your Gay Self-Care Toolkit

Self-care can easily sound like a buzzword. It might even strike you as something to do with massages, facials, and bubble baths.

Some of that’s probably true to a degree, but in the end, it’s really about putting yourself first in ways that matter most.

In my experience, it’s about doing the inner work of loving yourself and reducing negativity, while also setting boundaries, taking care of your body, and prioritizing things that not only make you feel good, but ultimately nourish you.

Here’s where you can start:

1. Face Your Inner World

Your internal dialogue shapes your reality. If the stories you tell yourself aren’t serving you, think about how you might re-write them.

• Observe Without Judgement: Spend 10 minutes a day journaling your thoughts. What’s bothering you? What’s going well?

• Challenge Yourself: Ask yourself, “Is this belief mine, or does it belong to someone else?” Meaning, did you pick this up from someone or in a group you hang out with or from something a parent or teacher told you when you were young?

• Take Baby Steps: Feeling like you have to overhaul your entire life in one sitting would overwhelm anyone. Pick something small and manageable.

2. Keep Good Boundaries

You don’t owe your energy to people or situations that drain you.

• Learn to Say No: If something or someone feels toxic to you, feel free to step away. Do it!

• Distance Yourself from Drama: Whether it’s a judgmental friend, a juicy piece of gossip, or the ever-addictive doom-scrolling, limit your exposure and interactions with people and situations that upset you or could have a negative effect on you.

• Place Values Over Validation: Keeping someone happy at the cost of your own well-being isn’t worth it. Think: what’s important to you vs. not rocking the boat.

3. Prioritize What Nourishes You

Self-care isn’t just about stopping bad habits. It’s also about starting better ones.

• Carve Out Some Quiet Time: Whether it’s prayer, meditation, or just sitting quietly, set aside time to center yourself every day.

• Fuel Yourself, Mind and Body: Eat well, hydrate, exercise, read something inspirational.

• Be Your Own Best Advocate: Be your own biggest fan. Build yourself up. Speak positive things to yourself, like, “May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be at peace.”

Why Self-Care Is Worth the Effort

Self-care is essential to dealing with the kinds of stress and situations we face as gay men. The kind that demand more than surface-level fixes.

It’s what supports you in times of loneliness, fear, and shame.

It’s also a way to equip yourself to find connection and build meaningful relationships that lead the way to belonging.

Ultimately, self-care is worth the effort because it’s foundational to developing resilience and authenticity in a world that almost constantly feels at odds with you.

Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.