What’s on your vent list?

Do you know what you’re looking for in the new year?

• A boyfriend?
• A better-looking body?
• A feeling of acceptance?

Gay or straight, everyone has a list. What matters is what kind of list you have.

There are changes lists and there are vent lists.

A vent list is full of the things you don’t like about yourself, your situation or the environment you live or work in.

You complain about things on the vent list all the time.

You might make remarks about how jealous you are of so and so who looks so trim and sexy or has nice clothes or a fantastic job or great circle of friends.

You might heap tons of negative remarks about yourself in the form of self-talk.

But you’ll never do anything about the things on your vent list.

Complaining is as far as you get.

What’s on your change list?

A change list is all the things you seriously want to fix in your life.

• You want to lose weight.
• You’re tired of being alone.
• You want a relationship.

It’s not a list of wishes. It’s a list of personal mandates.

You may read a self-improvement book, talk to a counselor, hire a coach, go to a class or seminar.

Essentially, you’re willing to do whatever it takes to get you on that path to change or fix that thing.

Start with an intention

Even if something is on your actual change list, the task of following through can feel real daunting.

The first and simplest place to start is with an intention.

Another word for it might be declaration.

It’s when you draw a line in the sand and decide, “today’s the day that I _______.”

There was a period in my life when I was about 25 pounds heavier than I am today.

I was taking a med that caused my metabolism to drastically slow down, while at the same time triggering cravings for sweets. Ice cream. Candy. Soda. Chips.

My weight totally ballooned out. I looked horrible.

I kept having to buying clothes that fit my ever-expanding waist.

Then one day I learned an acquaintance of mine had won a body fitness challenge. Her before and after pictures were incredible.

And she did it in 90 days, following a prescribed workout and eating program.

Something inside me said I could do the same.

Losing weight not only moved from my vent list to my change list, I had an intention to lose it within a specified period of time, following a list of daily and weekly actions to make it happen:

So, I bought the book she used as her guide, and I did the same exact program.

• I did regular and consistent muscle and cardio workouts.
• I drank 8-10 glasses of water a day.
• I planned my meals with a health ratio of complex carbs and lean protein.

The weight started coming off at about 1-2 pounds per week.

I was amazed.

The doctor who prescribed the medication was shocked when she saw me. She previously tried to convince me to just be happy and accept my weight —essentially telling me there wasn’t anything I could do about it because it was a side effect of the med.

Raise your self-awareness

If you want to accomplish more than writing up a list of resolutions and abandoning them a week, two weeks or a month later, you’ve got to raise your awareness regarding the things you do want to change, fix, get better at, etc.

In Finding Your Place as a Gay Man: Figuring Yourself Out, I discussed the idea of taking an inventory of your family background, positive and negative experiences, habits, coping skills and personal demons.

Doing an inventory like this is a good way to get in touch with the things you want, as well as the things that hold you back.

If you haven’t done one of these before, the start of a new year is a great time for an exercise like this.

Give yourself a few hours, or even a day or two if you’re starting from scratch.

Stuff can get lost in our memories, especially if it was a while back.

But there are also a lot of things we do so automatically that we don’t even take time to think why we do them. Or if we like really like doing them at all.

For the past several years, I’ve spent as long as a week looking back on the previous year and writing out accomplishments, things I learned, key struggles, meaningful events and important relationships I had.

Instead of just staring at a blank page, I’d write a sentence like, “What significant events and accomplishments happened for me this year?”

And then let my brain go to work filling up the answers.

Journaling out your inventory or the year’s learnings is a very effective way to raise your awareness of the kinds of things you want on your change list.

Write out what you plan to do

A friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago. It was so jarring that I knew I wanted to do something to honor of his memory that would make a difference and help others feel more connected to community.

I started with an intention to bring people (gay men in particular) closer together in my community.

I wrote out my goal:

Do one small dinner party a month in my home to connect people together in a casual setting where I made the dinner and everyone else could relax and enjoy the experience without feeling pressure to bring anything but themselves.

I invited new people every month, which itself always felt nerve-wracking because of how vulnerable it made me feel: they could blow me off, say no, or potentially judge me for not having it all together per their standards.

When experts talk about goals, they always urge you to “stretch” yourself.

Doing these dinners felt like a huge stretch every time because I was always inviting people who’d not only never been in my home before, but whom I’d never even made toast for, let alone all these recipes I was making for the first time.

I had a whole year of new experiences and friendships at the end of it all.

I also developed greater confidence, patience, and courage.

I also broadened my cooking repertoire and made my home 10 times more inviting than it was at the start.

And everyone who came felt a sense of connection and acceptance.

Enjoy the fruit of your intention

If something is truly on your change list, and you’ve written out a plan, and you’ve faithfully executed that plan, you will often come away from the experience with way more than you initially imagined possible.

For example, the simple act of following through on something you say you will do will bolster your confidence and likely spill over into other areas of your life.

Regularly inviting new people into my home every month added more genuine friendships to my life, the fruits of which I’m still enjoying several years later.

Keeping to the discipline of regular workouts and meal planning turned into a lifelong practice of keeping myself fit and healthy.

But here’s another thought:

If the act of writing out an intention to fix or change something results in positive attributes like confidence and discipline, why not flip things around?

Say you struggle with feelings of low worth and shame, something that many gay men deal with.

Instead of setting an intention to lose X amount of pounds by a certain date, think in terms of an attribute you really desire that goes beyond a physical change.

You might choose becoming more confident or self-assured as a gay man.

The gym can be an intimidating place for gay guys. Even for the regulars.

Whether it’s body insecurity or not knowing how to use a piece of equipment or those old grade-school locker room memories, the environment can quickly zap your confidence — making it the perfect place to learn how to be more confident or self-assured.

Instead of just doing reps and cardio to trim your body, you might set a goal of introducing yourself to someone new by way of asking them to spot you, or genuinely complimenting them on their physique and asking them for a tip that could help you improve yours.

Pretty soon the confidence you develop there will spill over into other areas, like confidence in meeting and asking guys out.

I think it’s the extra stuff we learn along the way — the attributes and qualities — that makes the process of working on something we want to change so exciting, interesting, and achievable, and which in turn gives it a lot of momentum.

This is probably a big reason why some people are able to crush their goals and move ahead, while others keep quitting and starting over whatever it is that they say they want to do or improve.

Face it. If you’re not really into what you said you wanted (for example, it’s just something on your vent list), you won’t be terribly motivated to continue with it.

There’s “motion” in the word, “emotion.”

Intangible traits and qualities are often things we really feel that we want. They “move us.”

And when something moves us, we’re more likely to act on it.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.