Ask Yourself: Why Do You Want to Change Anything?

Wanting change doesn’t just happen on a whim; it usually has a backstory.

The New Year is like a blank slate, naturally pushing you to look back and ask, “What worked? What didn’t?” For many of us, this season of reflection is when we realize we’re ready to leave behind what no longer serves us.

Sometimes, the desire comes from hitting a wall. Maybe you’re tired of feeling lonely, stuck, or drained. It’s what I call the “Law of Enough”—that moment you just can’t keep tolerating things as they are.

A breakup, job change, or even a big birthday can shake things up, making you look inward and reconsider your goals. When life serves up these big shifts, it’s natural to think about what you want to bring into your life next.

Or, have you ever read a book or watched a show that hits you unexpectedly? These moments can plant seeds that can push you to want a change.

Why Is Quitting Easier than Forging Ahead?

Even with the best of intentions, it’s easy to lose steam. These are some things I’ve struggled with:

Saying It Feels Like Doing It

Sometimes, just declaring a resolution feels like action in itself. Writing out your intentions feels satisfying, but then… life happens. You put the list away and forget about it. Sound familiar?

It’s Not Very Convenient

Going to the gym in winter? Not fun. Starting to date again? Exciting, but tiring. It’s easy to get fired up about change until you realize it comes with a lot of actual work.

You Want Something Else

Sometimes, the goal is more about the feeling we think it will bring. You might say you want to look a certain way or have more money, but deep down, what you’re craving is confidence, acceptance, or peace of mind.

Or, you think you want that guy’s looks, friends, style, etc., but what you really want is significance, a sense of worth, or acceptance.

Negative Self-Talk

If you decide to go deep and address that “something else,” you might find yourself dealing with all kinds of stuff coming up – negative, crappy stuff. It might sound like this:

“I’ll never amount to anything.”

“I don’t deserve friends because I’m a loser.”

“What’s the use of losing weight? I’m ugly anyhow.”

“No one could ever love someone like me.”

These tend to be deeply buried and dormant beliefs that only get roused when you try to change something that’s anchored by them. Because they’re so engrained, it can be a real struggle to let them go.

But How Do You Make Anything Stick?

Building habits that last is about more than sheer willpower. If change were as easy as flipping a switch, we’d all be doing it.

Despite the best of good intentions, a lot of us tend to focus on what’s at the surface, rather than the interconnected thoughts and beliefs underneath.

Any kind of lasting or substantial change takes more than a one-and-done resolution. For me, it’s always has to be strategic.

Set Bigger, Meaningful Goals and Write Them Down

A goal should have depth, meaning, and a little grit. For example, instead of just “making friends,” aim to create a community where you and others feel safe and accepted. Write down what that looks like in detail—picture the get-togethers, the laughter, the people who inspire you.

Embrace the Emotions and Keep Going

Many years ago I wanted to do dinner parties that would help people feel more connected. Hosting them made me feel vulnerable and nervous every single time, especially as a gay man who was afraid of being judged by other gay men.

Month after month I kept going despite the fears. I let myself feel silly, vulnerable and even rejected at times, but I kept going.

Let the Process Shape You

The real magic happens in the process. As I kept hosting these dinners, I felt myself change. The friendships deepened, my confidence grew, and my home became a warm, welcoming space that even I loved being in. Sometimes, the journey of change can bring you gifts you don’t expect—embrace them.

Connecting with Your True, Authentic Self

When you set a goal that matters to you—whether it’s creating stronger connections, building resilience, or letting go of old habits—every step is a victory in itself.

Resolutions can be powerful tools for personal growth, especially when they’re built on self-care, resilience, and authenticity.

Think about setting empowering ones that focus on what will make you feel more at home with yourself and within your community. Align with what genuinely fulfills you, then let yourself grow into the person you’d be proud to be.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.