Understanding Toxic Gay Feelings

To understand toxic feelings, it’s important to first distinguish feelings from emotions, which tend to be frequently interchanged as terms. With some crossover, feelings may also have subtle distinctions that differentiate them from emotions:

• Bodily responses, such as increased heart rate, sweaty palms, or diluted pupils
• Subjective interpretations of experiences
• Expressive behaviors, like laughing, frowning, or crying
• Lingering versus short-lived reactions

What makes feelings toxic is the intensity, duration, and overall harm to a person’s health and wellbeing. With that context let’s look at some of the ways toxic feelings may show up.

Negativity

Persistent feelings of bitterness, resentment, or cynicism that cast a cloud over every interaction.

Negativity of this kind will find its way into dating, friendships, relationships, and even casual encounters. It’s like a black hole sucking away anything that might potentially be good or positive in someone’s life.

The unfortunate side effect of carrying these kinds of feelings is that it tends to push most people away, reinforcing loneliness and isolation.

Jealousy

When jealousy becomes all consuming, it can be extremely toxic and damaging to relationships. It can deteriorate friendships and drive romantic partners away due to an obsessive need to control and manipulate others from a place of insecurity.

Shame

Chronic shame can be one of the most crippling feelings. It is so intertwined with a person’s being that it influences everything related to self esteem, self worth, and self perception. It can induce someone into a state of fight, flight, or freeze, or force them to hide behind layers of masks so that no one can know who they really are.

Anger

When anger is out of control it can become a destructive force to anyone in its path—whether turning inward and leading to acts of self harm, or outward leading to forms of emotional and physical abuse.

Potential Causes of Toxic Feelings in Gay Men

Everyone deals with negative feelings, but what causes them to intensify to such a degree that they take hold and interfere with your life, outlook, or relationships?

External Influences

External-based causes and circumstances (things directly or indirectly done or acted upon someone) can create an environment where toxic feelings can grow and fester.

Early Childhood Experiences or Trauma

Whether it’s neglect or abuse from caregivers, teasing and rejection from peers, or the loneliness of feeling different from others, childhood experiences are fertile ground for the emergence of toxic gay feelings in adulthood.

Homophobia or Bullying

Dealing with homophobic attitudes or outright bullying in families, schools, churches, communities, social media, places of work, or just hearing about it in the media, can be fatiguing. Ongoing stress related to fear and anxiety can cause anger, resentment, shame, and helplessness to fester and spread.

Cultural, Societal, or Religious Belief Systems

When governments, religious institutions, culture, or society at large seek to instill or mandate an anti-gay sentiment, a host of negative feelings result. Directly or indirectly attempting to sway opinion, maintain the status quo, exclude, or keep others in check is wearing.

Internal Influences

Internal-based sources of toxic feelings can include self criticism or picking yourself apart through self talk, assigning negative interpretations to situations or events that involve you, or subjectively making everything about or because of you.

Managing Negative Gay Feelings

One of my favorite parts in the movie Aladdin is when the genie tells Aladdin to make a wish after the genie is freed from being a servant of the lamp. Genie gleefully gives a resounding “No!” every time.

“No” is such a fantastic boundary. Like, “No, I don’t have to listen to you!” and, “No, I don’t have to do what you say!”

When negative news, social media rants, and anti-gay sentiment stoke negative feelings in you, boundaries are like a hazmat suit protecting you from the emotional waste dump.

Live Consciously

It’s easy to run aspects of your life on autopilot, with minimal awareness of what’s really driving you to do what you do.

What’s the first thing you turn to when you wake up? The news? Facebook?

It’s hard to get out of the habit, especially when you’re just trying to wake up. But news and newsfeeds can be full of anger, rants, and fear-based reports designed to trigger your emotions.

If it isn’t the newsfeed, it’s friends trying to pull you into some kind of gossip, drama, or negativity.

But instead of going through life with no filter, increasing your self awareness is a good first line of defense against toxic inputs.

Nathaniel Branden discusses the importance of consciousness in his book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. In fact, he calls it a “tool of survival”:

“Why is consciousness so important? Because for all species that possess it, consciousness is the basic tool of survival-the ability to be aware of the environment in some form, at some level, and to guide action accordingly.” (p. 67)

Nathaniel Branden

Setting good boundaries means you’re aware and keep your eyes open for signs of toxic people, words, feelings, beliefs, etc.

It might be hard at first, especially if you’re used to not paying attention. Practice noticing red flags in conversations and things you read and noting them in a journal, for example, is one way to tune your awareness.

Limit Toxic Influences

Becoming conscious and increasing awareness helps you notice more of what triggers you or makes you feel uncomfortable. It can help you better identify where boundaries are needed, like social media, apps, or relationships.

Social Media

There’s a funny meme that went around a few years back, “May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.”

Behind the fabulous check-ins from far-away destinations, amazing relationship announcements, and assorted posts proclaiming how wonderful life is, are many times lonely, insecure people in need of a self-esteem boost.

Researchers are learning that the amount of time you spend on social media could be having a negative effect on your emotions.

Whether your life feels inauthentic or you’re sitting on the sidelines jealous of someone who looks like they have the great life, spending lots of time on social media has potential to stir up some crappy emotions.

Newsfeeds can also provoke fear, anger, and hatred. Some people have great difficulty curbing the need to rage about any and everything or share information designed to play on fears and insecurities or create divisiveness.

When going through bouts of fear and anxiety, I’ve found that reducing time on social media helps dissipate those issues faster. Consider stepping away by disconnecting from toxic feeds or people.

Apps

You never know what kinds of landmines you’ll step into on dating sites and hookup apps. If you never felt ugly, inferior or objectified before, you’re likely to experience it on an app.

Hiding behind the anonymity of an obscure screen name emboldens people to behave their worst, spewing out venomous remarks about race, body type, HIV status, or sexual interests.

In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz shares:

“The human mind is like a fertile ground where seeds are continually being planted. The seeds are opinions, ideas, and concepts. You plant a seed, a thought, and it grows The word is like a seed, and human mind is so fertile!

“One fear or doubt planted in our mind can create an endless drama of events. One word is like a spell, and humans use the word like black magicians, thoughtlessly putting spells on each other.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

I remember a time when I was supposed to meet up with a guy I met on Scruff. He hounded me to get together with him and one day I finally said okay. After he arrived it was barely a minute later he it wasn’t going to work out. I asked him what he meant and he said, “you just don’t do it for me.”

That little seed went deep and actually triggered a downward spiral of anger and shame. His remark had nothing to do with me, however. It was a toxic belief in his own head that found a home in my insecurity.

Reframing is a tactic I often use to help establish better boundaries and keep incidents like that to a minimum. I turn undesirable situations these into a game where I look for what they can teach me about people and human nature. It helps improve my objectivity.

Relationships

Be clear on what you expect from others and know that you can always establish and re-establish the terms of your relationship when it comes to deal breakers.

I watched great interview with Luvvie Ajayi Jones about setting boundaries. I loved this gem from her:

“People have a hard time saying, ‘Here’s what I expect from you. Here’s how I want to be treated,’ because people don’t want to be considered mean…You sit there angry because somebody did something that crossed your boundaries that you never expressed.”

Luvvie Ajayi Jones

Inner Voices

Wherever you go, there you are. Even with great boundaries in place, you still need to deal with the one voice that follows you everywhere: your own.

“We have learned to live by other peoples’ points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and not being good enough for someone else.”

Don Miguel Ruiz

Sometimes the biggest source of negative gay feelings comes from the toxic voice that’s been internalized through years of conditioning.

Conclusion & Takeaways

Dealing with toxic gay feelings like shame, jealousy, and anger can be challenging, but they don’t have to define or control your life, or keep you from finding fulfillment.

Managing negative feelings starts with recognizing how they influence your life, then using that awareness to reshape the narrative.

Increasing your awareness can help you identify triggers and patterns so you can make more conscious choices related to your environment.

Establishing boundaries is an essential strategy to protecting your sense of well being. Limiting exposure to negative or potentially negative inputs, such as newsfeeds, apps, or relationships, can further help in developing a healthier emotional space.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.