What It’s Like to Be Love Bombed

I found out about this thing called love bombing not too long ago, after I’d gone through an annoying string of incidents over the last couple months.

A guy came up to me at a party and proceeded to shower me with compliments about how much I was his type. He was attractive and nicely built, but we’d barely just met and his hands were all over me.

While it was flattering, it was also over the top. I was like “WTF??” When he realized I wasn’t going to have sex with him, he dropped me and totally disappeared.

I went on a date with another guy who asked me out for drinks. Every question was relationship-oriented, deep and extremely personal. It felt like a combination interview/audition to become his life partner.

Before I knew it, he was asking me what I was doing tomorrow and trying to hold my hand down the street. Then came the text messages and phone calls and why wasn’t I calling him back? It was exhausting. All I wanted to do was run the F away from him.

I met someone else at a bar. I was friendly and made small talk. I thought he was nice and we had some things in common, but I wasn’t interested in him. I didn’t flirt or give him any indication I was, but we did exchange numbers to keep in touch.

Then came a barrage of text messages over the course of the following week that seem to be more than just keeping in touch.

I thought to myself, “Dude why are texting me so much? I just met you.”

Despite never initiating and hardly responding, the texts kept coming.

I didn’t understand what was going on until I started journaling my thoughts about what was happening and discussing it with my therapist. That’s when I learned about “love bombing.”

Some Icky Truths

If you’re someone who’s had rejection trauma, deals with feelings of unattractiveness, struggles with low self-esteem, feels lonely, or just longs to be with someone, being love bombed is the ultimate dupe: both a setup and trap.

Looking back, it’s kind of embarrassing how often I fell for it.

But if you don’t know what’s going on, it can be pretty upsetting. Here you’ve got this guy showering all this attention and affection on you and it makes you feel pretty special. You might even be like, “I can’t believe I found the perfect guy!”

And then the other shoe drops.

He stops texting. He doesn’t call. He doesn’t make plans. He completely ghosts you.

Or, once he hooks you and you’re “committed,” the beast is unchained: he becomes insulting, abusive, jealous, possessive, etc.

At a base level, love bombing is about manipulation and objectification.

• You’re an acquisition. A trophy. Arm candy. A means to an end.
  
• He might have low self-esteem and he needs you to bolster his ego.
  
• He may have a deep-seated need to control people and situations, otherwise he feels out of control himself.
  
• He loves the thrill of the chase and this is all a game to him.
  
• He needs a predictable outcome and the only way to be sure is to never stop being in touch.
  
• He operates out of a sense of scarcity and you’re the only in the world who strikes him as attractive, normal, his type, etc. He can’t lose you. Someone else will snatch you up.
  
• He doesn’t believe in himself, so he has to convince you over and over again that he’s the one for you.
  
• He wants you to adore him, so he’ll send you selfie after selfie, but never ask anything about you.

I remember a guy I met on a dating site years ago who constantly sent me messages. For him, it was about how well our astrological signs matched. I was into it. He sent me tidbits every day. It drove my thirst for romance. I was hooked.

When we finally met in person he was not at all what I expected. Cold. Stoic. Wouldn’t remove his sunglasses. Kept his distance.

He told me he was dating someone else. I was totally shocked. I remember being really upset by it.

Face Reality and Protect Yourself

Here’s the deal: relationships take time. Period. You can’t cram a lifetime of knowing someone in a day or a week or a month.

If a guy truly likes you, he will focus on what you like, not the other way around. If he senses you feel he’s pushy, he’ll back off. He will take his time.

He wouldn’t think of putting you on display in front of people, as if you were his property or territory.

It’s Not You, It’s Them

Men who do things to impress you don’t have a desire for genuine connection or intimacy.

In fact, guys who try any of these stunts are probably terrified of the vulnerability that comes with true intimacy.

They also probably have their own demons of trauma, abuse, and mental health issues. Facing stuff like that is hard, so it’s easier, safer and more pleasurable to make someone else the tool to displace the pain.

When someone drops you like a hot potato because he’s not getting what he wants out of you, be thankful. He never saw or recognized you as someone of genuine value in the first place.

I quickly determined I was only a means to an end for the guy who kept calling, texting and wanting to schedule dates with me. He wasn’t interested in me. In fact, I don’t think he even saw me at all. When I let him know that he and I weren’t on the same page, I never heard from him again. Hallelujah.

Let Them Own Their Stuff, Not You

You have to let these guys deal with their problems and issues on their own. You don’t need to be drawn up in that drama. It’s a prescription for frustration and a lot of unhappiness.

You’re also not responsible for “letting them off easy” or making them feel okay. Otherwise, sadly, you end up reinforcing the behavior and giving them false hope.

Trust me, they are only concerned with themselves. Not you, not how this affects you and not how illogical the whole thing is.

Easier said than done, of course, especially in the early stages of being out, understanding yourself and figuring others out.

As with anything, there will always be degrees. Not everything’s clear cut or black and white. Not every guy is premeditatedly out to own you or manipulate you. In fact, it could be very innocent, albeit ignorant, behavior on his part.

He may be inexperienced dating or pursuing men and could very well think this is how you’re supposed to do things.

And just because he texts you somewhat frequently doesn’t always mean he’s love bombing you.

But forewarned is forearmed. It’s good to have a framework for understanding what’s going on. Not for him, but for you.

The guy who matters in this scenario is you (unless you’re the guy doing the love bombing, in which case, stop! haha).

The only one who can protect you, is you.

Bring a Canary Along

From the early 1900s until the mid-1980s, canaries were used by British miners to detect toxic gases like carbon monoxide. If a canary, carried in a small cage by a miner, got sick or died, the miners would know to evacuate. The canaries were like an early warning alarm system.

When you’re chatting, on a date, or spending time getting to know another guy, imagine yourself bringing your own canary along.

The guy may look great on paper and appear pretty normal and “safe,” but pay attention to signs that indicate your canary is about to keel over. In other words, use your “spidey-sense” if something feels off, he’s getting too pushy or ready to hop into a long-term relationship after the first date. It’s time to get the hell out of there.

Watch Your Speed

Another helpful metaphor is to think of yourself as driving on a highway. If the guy in the passenger seat is balls to the wall moving too fast for you, slow it down. It’s a lot easier to exit going 50 mph than it is 100 mph. Try the latter and you’re gonna wipe out!

It takes practice and a lot of working on yourself to get you to where you’re feeling more grounded and in control. Everyone makes mistakes, so go easy on yourself when you do. Just pick yourself up and get back to it.

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Disclaimer: The information and perspectives shared in my posts, articles, and videos are based on my personal experiences and reflections. I am not a licensed therapist, counselor, or medical professional, and this content should not be considered a substitute for professional advice. If you are experiencing distress, depression, or mental health challenges, please reach out to a qualified professional who can provide the help you need. For immediate support, contact a mental health provider or, if you are in crisis, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 (available in the U.S.) or your local emergency number.